matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
