Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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