I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
