i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
