Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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