so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
