I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
