after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
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I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum