you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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