ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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