I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
