my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
