At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
