My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
