Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
