This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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