Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
