i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
