Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
