Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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