Where is the hickey?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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