she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
