I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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