That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
