Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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