You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
