I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
