I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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