the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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