When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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