I wish my penis had an off switch
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
