If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize