He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
