She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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