I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
