Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
