the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
