Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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