Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
