i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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