im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
