Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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