I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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