Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
