idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
