I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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