I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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