guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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