She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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