I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
