I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
