my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
are you so shy because you have an std?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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