I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
