Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
