I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
