Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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