But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
