R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
